It sucks but it doesn't

I'm just gonna get straight to the point, Ethan and I broke up. It hurts. We're still friends and whatnot but on nights like this (when I have nothing to do), it's easier to sulk about it then to think of the positive sides.

And there are positive sides to it. I am going to work on my self-confidence, or lack of, and try to stop hating things and people in general. It's not healthy. And Ethan is also going to work on his insecurities.

We'll probably get back together at the end of the summer -which for me is too long of a wait, but I'll live.

I didn't want to break up with him nearly as much as I thought I did. The only reason I thought I wanted to was because I knew it was necessary. I'm just glad that I still have him in my life and that there is some light at the end of the tunnel. I want to change myself so that we can look at each other in similar ways to before, but also in new ways that will make the gushy moments of staring deeply into each other's eyes even more gushy.

Speech

       I see bullying everyday –more with words than anything, but it is there and it does happen. We’re all told not to bully and we have been reminded several times to treat others the way we want to be treated. But who does that? How many of you do that? I know I have not made that a priority in my life. Bullying affects everybody; whether you are being bullied, you are the bully, or you are a bystander.

            How many times have you heard of a bully that was alone when they tormented another child? Without an audience, they have no purpose. Bullies are never alone. There are three types of bystanders: 1. Friends of the bully, 2. Friends of the victim, 3. someone who was walking by or happened to be in the same place. It doesn’t matter what category you fall into. How do you feel after standing and watching? It can’t possibly feel good knowing that you’ve done nothing. Your silence hurts more than imaginable, and it hurts everyone.

            Which brings up the question, what does being a bully do to a person? You’d be surprised by how exactly it affects someone when they pick on or beat up someone else –especially when they’re children. People who bully can experience major problems with relationships. Whether they are very insecure or they show aggressive behaviors, they are not always stable enough for a healthy and functional relationship. If the one person you are gaga over has a knack for terrorizing people’s feelings, you may want to rethink some things. Also, studies show that people who bully at young ages are later convicted of crimes in their adult life.

Finally, what does being bullied do to a child? Some kids have the ability to brush things off and say, “It doesn’t matter.” But what about the kids that can’t do that?  What are they supposed to do? They never know what to do or why they were chosen to be a victim. It breaks my heart to know that children, and people in our age group, have the ability to take their own lives. And some people do kill themselves, some people not only become depressed and scared but they start to believe that they are better off dead. Six year-olds have actually killed themselves. Do you remember what you were doing at age six? I imagine that none of you were attempting to end your own life –you’re all here today.  
            Jared High was a fun-loving kid before he was bullied. He was the assistant coach for his school’s baseball team. One day when Jared was leaving practice another boy –who had been teasing him- followed him into the school gym. He threw Jared on the floor and began to beat him up, kicking him relentlessly. All of the bystanders were friends of the bully –nobody helped. The principal of Jared’s school ruled it as a fight, but it was more than that. Jared’s mother, Brenda, quickly noticed that Jared was no longer a happy kid. Jared became more depressed each and every day leading up to the day he shot himself. The morning of, Jared and his mom argued about Jared going to school that day; his mom had to go to work and ended up letting Jared stay home. She said later that she would have never gone to work if she had any idea of what he was going to do.

~video clip~ (I had to condense it, so I was only able to show from 5:10 to 6:10 -but I recommend watching the whole thing)

Bullying is a bigger deal than all of you think. I know that some of you saw the title of my power-point and immediately shut down or decided that my presentation would be stupid and unimportant. You can go ahead and bicker and make your comments about how many times we’ve heard this, blah, blah, blah. But if we are all within four or less years of becoming legal adults, and this is still something that we are discussing, then maybe we should get over how cool it seems to not give a shit crap and do the right thing. We all know bullying; we have all done it or seen it. Don’t be afraid to stop someone from doing it.

Hello, folks.

I miss this. This is something that is fun for me and I have denied myself the time to do it because, let's face it, I don't have much free time anymore. I'm starting to realize that I have reached the point of No Return: I am working (and working very hard, at that), I am getting an education, and I am doing things like "budgeting" and taking on more "responsibilities" -ya know, stupid stuff.

(I like to think that I am still funny, even when I am exhausted.)

Somethings that have happened lately:

• I got through TAKS week alive.
• The royal wedding -that I do not give any shits about.
• Ethan and I's adventures at EdgeFest.
• I finished reading Never Let Me Go and cried my eyes out.
• I started reading Keeping The Moon. Love it so far! It's making me want to lock myself in my room until I finish it. It's that good.
• I bought Sarah Dessen's Along For The Ride, which I will be reading after my current book -which is also by Dessen.
• Work, and some more work. Along with work.

Last night I wrote a speech that was due today for my speech class. I was confident with it, but I wasn't expecting it to be that great considering I wrote it the night before and I lost my original outline for it -which I had worked very hard on, and in turn caused my second outline to have had less work put into it.
But what I got was far from my thoughts. People almost cried. I almost cried. I was shaking by the end of my presentation and as soon as I sat down I couldn't help to think about how surprised I was.
I think I'm going to make a separate post of my speech. That way, everyone can decide whether they are good people and want to read or if they are false followers and have no soul. Sounds good?

oh dear

My last post was on April 7th. Goodness gracious. What have I been doing? I need to get my head in the game.

I've been working and working and schooling and schooling. And I've been trying to get "living" in that equation -it's been a moderate success, I would say.
I don't want to go into all the things I could say about work, except that my feet hurt so much. Roller-blading for five hours straight, sometimes longer, is serious business. And people that don't tip me are just rude. I actually fell asleep with an ice pack on my foot the other night. Thinking about it now, I'm pretty sure that pack is still on my bed. Oh well.

I'm currently sitting in Ethan's bed while he's a band practice. I have work in a few hours, but thankfully I'm not closing tonight.

Post Society has a show tomorrow in New Braunfels, Texas that I'm pretty excited about. Last weekend I missed one of their shows for the first time ever since they started playing shows in November '09. I was crushed.

"Why did you miss the show, Camael? What's wrong with you?" I had work. Yeah. Lame.

Things have been all weird between my stepmom and I lately. I can't tell if she's mad at me for something or if she feels indifferent about our relationship in general. She got really mad the other night when I told her I was getting off work at 11 -she thought it was too late to be working on a school night. So I'm pretty sure that if she is angry it's because I told her that I didn't agree, or disagree, with her about it. I dunno, lately I'm genuinely unsure of what's going on with her. I feel like it's going to be this way until I move out -then, it'll either get worse or we'll overcome it.

I have five weeks left of school! Next week is TAKS week -I've already touched base on that so I won't get into it again. I'm always really excited about summer, until it gets here and I realize that I have nothing to do. But I think working will make me motivated to live a little.

Prom is coming up next weekend, which I will not be going to. But I probably shouldn't get into that either. I'll just claim something like, "Ethan and I aren't very old-fashioned." This statement is somewhat true.

I'm about to open my second Arizona lemon tea. I love it so much, even though it's probably the worst thing to drink in large quantities. But whatever.

Middle class workin' gal

You're probably all thinking two things right about now: "She's only seventeen... wtf?" and/or, "WHY HASN'T SHE POSTED ANYTHING RECENTLY, WTF?"


I happen to have an answer to both of those questions. Yes, they are excuses, but I don't really care.
Okay, I know that I am only seventeen and should be a mindless weirdo that doesn't have to worry about money, but that's not the way it's going down. Ethan and I have a plan to move in together around this time next year (probably sooner), and so I need to start saving up now so that by the time we get to that point, I will be ready. And I just like knowing that if something ever happened to my parents, I'd be able to support myself. I'm liking the optimism... It's such a natural thing for me. 
Sarcasm is, too.


And, secondly, I have been pretty darn busy. By the time I get home I either have homework or I am ready to hit the hay. I wish I had posted something to inform you all but I don't like making small posts. It's all or nothing I suppose.


Highlights of these past few... however long it's been since my last post:

• I got hired at Sonic! My first day was Tuesday the 5th. Today was my second day.
• I dyed my hair black! I wanted to do the before and after stuff, but it didn't work out, and I apologize. But it looks awesome. Just take my word for it.

Wow, looking at that insanely long list, I realize how exciting my life is. Maybe that's why I haven't posted shit lately.

I already shared this on Facebook the other night but I would like to share it on here as well:

I was preparing for a history test (that I took today) on Wednesday in graphic design. Part of our tests is a written answer, kind of like an essay -but not long and pointless and stupid, and suicidal thought-inducing. Anyway, one of the questions was how did Cold War events shape the decisions of the Kennedy 

Administration? Joey and I were a little stuck on how exactly to answer this question.

Suddenly, I was able to form an answer. Something along the lines of this: "Kennedy himself wanted peace but when it came to the Cold War he had to do shit that wasn't peaceful because he had to show the Soviet Union that he wasn't a pussy." I don't know why, but I felt, and still feel, very proud of this answer. I felt very intelligent and I spoke with more conviction than normal (normally, I speak with close to no conviction).

And, of course, I've been driving so much. I love it. I love being in the my car. Today I took Mustard with me to Wendy's when I had gotten off work and I was getting food for my parents and I. He's the best car dog in the world, it's crazy. I love him.

It's official

I'm going to dye my hair black again this weekend. I had black hair for at least two years, and even though it took some color from my face, I rocked it. So I have decided that I miss it too much and it is time for me to return to the days O' Black Hair. I'm so excited! I'll do a whole before and after thing. It'll be great.

Here is my proof:

 I want to say that this is one of the last pictures I took with my black hair... So sad. I had just gotten it cut. This was the beginning of this school year.

Haha, Ethan's hair! This was freshman year, I believe. Or the summer after that year... I can't remember.

I got my ricense, yall!

It's true. I am finally a legal driver. No parents, no person over 21, just me and a passenger of my choice.